A feeling is perhaps not the right way to describe what I am talking about, but I feel her presence as being very close to me at times.
It is a great "feeling" - this feeling I have that I could turn around and see her sitting right there not far from me. I wish it were so in reality - but today it is 35 years since we last had a real conversation.
To say that I am not the same person today as I was then, is the understatement of all time. Thirty-five years ago, I was a young single woman, with my whole life ahead of me... I had a career as a registered nurse, my own apartment, independence, and confidence - due in a large part from my Mother, and my Father as well.
It wasn't fair loosing her so early in my life - she and I missed out on so much that a mother and daughter should experience together. Life led me in a different way, or should I say Death lead me in a different way than I expected - to experience the rest of my life, without my Mom at my side.
I'm not complaining about my life - it's been as it should be - lived well, lived happily, lived fully. I have been surrounded by family and friends that have loved and supported me every step of the way... but 35 years later - I am still missing that one person in my life - my Mom.
Until three years ago - I missed her with an unease...
I have always been uneasy with her death. She was too young, too vibrant, too healthy, I have always had the niggling fear that not enough was done at the time of her death - I have nothing to base that fear on, but it has always been there, just the same.
For some reason unknown to me, living where I do - I feel a connection to her that I have never experienced before. This connection I feel has nothing to do with my own personal memories of my mother and the time we had together - this is totally different.
My mother was born and grew up on a prairie farm about 35 minutes from where I now live. When I drive down the highway towards the place she knew as home - she comes to mind. When I turn the corner that takes me to what once was a hamlet called Waldersee, I look to the left, and wonder if her childhood home still stands. She is in my thoughts in ways she has never been before.
When I drive by the church in Waldersee where she attended church as a young child and woman, I think of her, young and beautiful, smiling and happy. I did not know her when she was young - but I can now feel her that way.
Maybe it's an aging thing - maybe everyone has these thoughts and feelings as they age. I am now two years older than my mother was when she left us.
The unease I used to feel has now turned to comfort. I feel connected, sure, comforted and peaceful - because I have opened my heart and allowed the connection in.
The past has become the present, we are not only connected through my memories and through our history but now also by place - and somehow that place has made a difference in my understanding of the person my mother was.
She has always been near - I know that now - and she always will stay near. My open heart knows - and so do I.
I love you Mom!
Till we meet again!
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